LA Family Therapist Molly Nourmand Shares How Couples Can Plan For Postpartum the Fair Play Way

Postpartum planning is about looking ahead while you are pregnant for the time after birth. It’s important to anticipate what type of support and resources you might need to bolster your transition into parenthood. For example, if you have risk factors for Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs), then it could be helpful to connect with a therapist who specializes in the postpartum period–prior to your delivery. In addition, you will want to build your support system. You’ll need to figure out if you have the resources to hire someone, such as a baby nurse, or if you have a trusted family member or friend who could stay with you to help out while you’re recovering from birth.

For first-time moms, a baby is just conceptional when they are pregnant, so they tend to be more precious about things. They might invest in some super cute clothing for their infant, for instance, not really understanding that newborns spend more time in a diaper and a little t-shirt since their belly button is healing. And when they do wear clothes, they usually get stains and spit up on them right away. Whereas second- and third-time moms are more sophomoric in that they may be more open to hand-me-downs and be more in-the-know as to what new parents actually need–for example, food and support for the family.

Pregnancy is fraught with a lot of admin. It’s natural to focus on the pregnancy itself, the baby shower and registry, getting your home baby-ready, as well as the birth. Therefore, the postpartum period–which is arguably the most important and ongoing–tends to be more of an afterthought. In my naïveté as a pregnant person, I actually bookmarked the postpartum sections in the books that I was reading with the delusion that I would read it after my baby came! It’s laughable to me now, but I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Ideally, one would make time for postpartum planning in the second or third trimester, but not too close to the “due” date since some babies do come early.

They can make time to sit down with the birthing person and have potentially uncomfortable conversations about responsibilities and roles. You don’t want to wait until after the baby comes and you are both sleep deprived and not operating at your best selves to suss this out. If resources allow, you may want to seek out a couples therapist to help you sort out these matters, and then have them on speed dial for when your child arrives–you’ll thank me later. I would recommend the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, which is a helpful system for creating better domestic balance within the partnership, and is especially helpful for new parents. Don’t want to read another book? Fair Play is now a documentary.

A theme I’ve noticed is that the pandemic has created higher rates of PMADs—yet there are more services and education and less stigma about the challenges of postpartum transition than even five years ago. I find that expectant mamas are inspired by stories of real, raw motherhood. They are empowered by being less attached to their birth plan, as well as knowing they can decline birth interventions if they want to. They underestimate how much support they will need–the “it takes a village” mantra is a bit worn out but still rings so true.

Usually, they are taken aback that it is way harder than what they expected. Also, what I notice in both my groups for new moms and one-on-one sessions is that you cannot predict how you’re going to feel about being a parent until you are one. In other words, some women are very ambitious pre-baby, but after becoming a mother they might prefer to be home with the baby all day and not return to paid work. Whereas other women may not be able to wait to go back to paid work because they feel like being a mother is the hardest job ever. They need more breaks and want to feel connected to their pre-baby identity.

Unfortunately, not really. In the mother/child dyad, the baby still tends to get the main focus. Women need to realize that after birth they will require just as much care and tenderness as their newborn, which is why the mission of my business Life After Birth® is mother-centered—similar to Little Honey Money.

They are a two-fer. When the mother is fed literally and metaphorically–the baby benefits. I really try to take a neutral, unbiased approach when running my support circles. For example, if supplementing with formula is going to help the mother get more sleep and improve her mood, then that will also be for the highest good of the family.

Virtual New Mom Support Group: Having your own experience reflected back to you by other new mothers who get it is the best medicine. Baby Nurse: Sleep is magic. You don’t realize how much you took it for granted until it is disrupted. Having someone help out with nighttime parenting will help you and your partner, if you have one, get more sleep. Meal Deliveries: Food is everything in the postpartum period. They baby is eating all the time, you’re starving all the time, and your partner and helpers need to eat too.